To me, this was the Phantom Menace of the Jurassic Park

Jurassic World Sucked And Here’s Why

cheap jordans free shipping We’re now entering the mandatory hype period for the Jurassic World sequel and for good reason, too. The first one made $1.6 billion at the box office. The film was a shining success by every metric there is. cheap jordans free shipping

Well, except mine. I hated Jurassic World like an anal rash. I walked out of it the first time I saw it, because I’d rather be in a porn theater with Brett Ratner than a regular theater playing Jurassic World. To me, this was the Phantom Menace of the Jurassic Park franchise a popular film, heavily praised, which would ultimately be considered a baffling cinematic shart once the nostalgia dust cleared.

I know this sounds like the opinion of one angry man with a possible cornhole affliction, but I’d like you to take a second and allow me to calmly explain why I’m objectively correct. This was a visually broken film made by a boardroom of glossed dildos who had no idea why the original movie was so beloved. And I’m going to prove it right now. Calmly and briefly, like some kind of pedantic monk.

cheap air jordan The film starts on a meta observation by Bryce Dallas Howard’s character, as one of her first cheap jordans online lines is “Let’s be honest, no one’s impressed by a dinosaur anymore.” This single bit cheap jordans china of dialogue serves as the crutch on which the entire movie slumps, a lazy sentiment I’ve seen countless times when people defend why they enjoyed this film. “Hey, it was a stupid fun time! You can’t expect it to have the same impact as Jurassic Park, a movie made 20 years ago!” Only the truth isn’t that moviegoers are no longer impressed by seeing a dinosaur, but that Jurassic World had no goddamn idea how to make a dinosaur impressive. But they choose to neg the audience instead of owning up to it, like biting someone’s dick off and then declaring “People just don’t like blowjobs anymore.” cheap air jordan

cheap jordans from china See, for most of this scene, the camera stays under the truck with Pratt. This creates a feeling of claustrophobia and helplessness, akin to being a trapped animal or a Japanese game show contestant. It makes us equally disoriented as to where the dinosaur is (like the character would be). It’s also exactly how Spielberg shot the T rex escape scene cheap adidas in the original. That entire sequence was mainly seen from inside the cars. And while they try to do the same thing, Jurassic World stupidly cuts to a wide shot, revealing the dinosaur’s location and breaking that tension. cheap jordans from china

This single shot ruins the moment. And watch what happens when I remove it:

cheap jordans shoes Obviously the timing is off because I removed a shot, but staying under the car considerably improves the fear factor of that scene. Could they not take cheap jordan sneakers a cue from the classic film they were referencing? I get that Spielberg is, like. the best living director, but these little tweaks don’t require the brain of Orson Welles. You don’t have to be Movie Sherlock to deduce how tense the car scene in Jurassic Park is, and how grandstandingly clown shit this looks in comparison:I’m legitimately alarmed that anyone watched three turd colored cartoon dinosaurs Pele a giant hamster ball and thought, “Yeah, this is what I wanted Jurassic World to be.” But even if you did enjoy this scene, there’s still something not quite right about it. For such a hilariously violent moment, I don’t feel like the kids are in an ounce of danger. And that’s probably because they don’t really show them much, instead cutting to wider shots to boast the batshit action. Much like Pratt under the truck, I would have rather experienced this from the disoriented POV of the characters inside the ball, feeling cheap jordan sneakers every slam and spin. But these terrified kids barely look jostled or injured after flying through a forest. even when this happens: cheap jordans shoes

cheap jordans in china Universal PicturesNote: That kid’s terrible hair is not CGI. It’s naturally that annoying. cheap jordans in china

cheap cheap jordans shoes jordans cheap jordans for sale on sale I’ve seen enough Russian dashcam videos to know that when a vehicle goes really fast and then suddenly stops, the things inside of it tend to react. These kids get slammed violently into the ground and don’t even seem to notice. The cheap yeezys one on the right just keeps screaming, while the one on the left doesn’t even stop fiddling with the seat cheap jordans sale while being piledrived into shattering glass. Not even their heads or arms seem affected by the physics of the impact. It’s almost as if. and hear me out. they filmed this against some kind of green screen, forgot to tell the actors how to react, and then clumsily stuck the footage together in post. And so while the environment and dinosaurs look photoreal, the scene plays out like a shitty cartoon. This is below farm league. Hell, cheap air jordan it’s below every agricultural coalition of sports players you can imagine. cheap jordans on sale

And the failure of bare bones filmmaking ranges everywhere from making a scene exciting to simply trying to make it effective. If several people are eagerly looking into the cage of a fierce goat destroyer, and that creature isn’t showing up, you should show a shot of the empty cage, right? Like this:

cheap yeezys And Jurassic World couldn’t even manage that. cheap yeezys

cheap jordans online No shitting, this sequence in which Pratt and Howard look into the Indominus cage and realize it’s empty never cuts to a shot looking into the empty cage. They tap on the glass and exclaim that it’s missing, but we the audience are never shown that. We’re not experiencing the tension through their eyes, and in fact become totally removed when the film pulls out to a wide shot from inside the barrier. cheap jordans online

cheap jordan sneakers Universal PicturesYou know, that thing that Spielberg knew not to do. cheap jordan sneakers

cheap jordans sale I know that sounds like a really minor issue, but it’s the root of the problem with the film’s visuals: At no point does cheap jordans free shipping the camera know who the main characters are, or how to show us what they are feeling. There’s no perspective. I could spend pages pointing out each shitty little problem, but I want to focus on the ones that clearly undermine the emotional impact of the dinosaurs, which are often shot in the least awe inspiring ways possible. cheap jordans sale

cheap adidas Take the first mosasaurus scene. It shouldn’t be hard to film a 55 foot aquatic swallow beast performing Shamu tricks, right? The point of the moment is how excited our characters are to see this massive creature burst from the water. So it would make sense to film its entrance from an angle that shows off its size preferably through the eyes of the audience. cheap adidas

cheap nike shoes Nope. Jurassic World decided to shoot it from the dead shark’s perspective, which happens to be the only angle that makes the mosasaurus look small. Sure, it’s a neat looking shot, but not the most impactful in terms of believability or scale. Like the cinematography equivalent of shutter shades, this film has a terrible habit of trading effective framing for looking “cool.” The camera has no discernible limitations to where it might suddenly be, forcing us to constantly remember that what we’re seeing is fake. cheap nike cheap jordans from china shoes

Cheap jordans cheap jordans on sale Remember the ending grapple between cheap jordans in china the Indominus Rex and Tyrannosaurus? No doubt you were reminded of the much less complicated battle at the end of Jurassic Park. Cheap jordans

cheap air force Whose eyes are we watching this with? Is someone flying a drone around the dinosaurs as they fight? Are we in the Matrix? That would certainly explain why, when the dinosaur’s tail violently swings over our actress, she doesn’t even flinch. This movie made a billion dollars. cheap air force

See this sequence certainly looks neat, but it totally fails to portray any emotional weight or even a human perspective. Instead of filming this like a real thing happening to real people, the filmmakers wanted to show off how cool their CGI dinosaurs looked from every angle, swinging the camera high in the air like they were tiny children toys. Only no one is scared of tiny children’s toys, you assholes.

Look, I know I said this was gonna be calm, but the mediocrity feeds my rage blood like sweet gamma rays. They miss every obvious opportunity to scare us. One of the first things established about the Indominus Rex is that it can camouflage, and they use this exactly once. Remember how the shark in Jaws was scary because you couldn’t see it for most of the film? Well, Mr. Moviepants, you have a movie monster that literally turns invisible, and you never use that to conceal it from the audience? You opt to spoil any mystery 30 minutes in? You pricks. You dirty Moviepants pricks. But imagine how much freakier that Chris Pratt truck scene would have been with a giant goddamn predatorsaur. Why can’t I see your fucking predatorsaur, Jurassic World?

I need a moment. This was supposed to be like 600 words long, and I feel like I may have overextended that. Let’s all walk away and come back in 15. OK? OK.

cheap jordans china So here’s a scene in Jurassic World that I actually liked. Remember when they stick cameras on all the raptors? cheap jordans china

cheap Air max shoes Universal Pictures”If we survive this, I can’t wait to Cheap jordans show you my Raptors Gone Wild DVD idea.” cheap Air max shoes

cheap jordans for sale That was a neat scene! One of the few times the movie made me feel tension was when we realize the Indominus Rex is part raptor and it becomes their alpha, turning them on their human handlers. cheap jordans for sale

Universal Pictures”Their dicks. Bite off their dicks first.”

uck. Instead of paying off the cameras, the film suddenly switches tones into action mode, breaking all the tension it earned a second cheap Air max shoes ago. And while we eventually do see a few cutaway shots from the raptor cams, that should have been exclusively what we saw. This entire scene should have taken place in the control room, playing out on a sea of horrified faces. But again, this movie has no idea what perspective to show us, opting to fly in every possible direction like a drunk goose. What a piece of shit, that goose.